Tuesday, January 13, 2009

I Dwell In ...

His voice starts I’m still it goes and continues and keeps on going while me on the other side I’m struggling still not speaking but he is saying that he is striving but what of me don’t you think don’t you realise am I to blame really then why do I feel so spoilt why is my voice in my head and why do my hands not move not even the fingertips and you on the other hand not likewise on the contrary still banging on articulating my voice is silent and yours full and loud and proud to the brim what of my shame and for what you want to know why you keep asking me I can’t say anything but this is not the first time usually this is the case in any case the way it is how it is this is me the one to answer the questions and not to ask them it is not fair yes I hear you still going I do feel scathed can’t do anything now I do feel scattered can’t you see if everything you say is true then why can’t I even say this can’t you see this and that is the thing I have been aching all this time as I am now alone in my own mind with its own thoughts they cannot be expressed cannot be articulated that you have erudition and I have no cause for rendition I make no petition when everything I have done that it is for another you know sometimes that doesn’t help yourself sometimes it becomes too much and you want to escape for a while from it if you don’t feel free but only even just for a second even a minute would be better must I plead I must be pleading then how can you appreciate what it is that truly frees you or not I speak not of you but of me yet even now with this pain I am responsible I have caused it is not a story about me or of what is happening in my head you are still going on badgering some might call it does there have to be a why sometimes one might respond why not so why why not this time or any other why do I make myself feel this way and why don’t you of all people see this torment and end it for you still go on but I hear only my thoughts which have no real opinion while you can express what you feel still still continuing harping on what am I doing my thumb moved now does this reflect a real emotion for you am I turning tail on myself I see loving and caring in you but I feel like the hollow part of the hollow tree not the trunk the nothing not even with the bird nested inside sharing my space because that bird would be free but this hollow is a solid cavity that is overlaid there is no hole no entrance no exit no escape only submission and surrender only to try maybe in vain to one day have a voice and speak of the anguish the hollow has given me tell me where is the whole.

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